smile sarah smile

what will today bring?  will my day be filled with others needs and wants or my needs and wants?  march is suppose to be the month of me.  though i have the words and wants of others around me screaming over my march bucket list.   time to read time to write time to network time to nest in my house not our families building.  i am attempting to set boundaries everywhere.  with myself, with my closest loved ones and some of my loved ones that are a bit more removed and then also with my time and space.  how do i want to use my time at this point of my life? do i want to be more available to our children and my husband in helping meet all of their needs and wants?  do I want to explore other ventures or opportunities to build my skills set.  well i want a bit of all of that.  do i want to work under chris on the car lots.  i know that i don’t have the grit for that as well as i am not sure that our marriage would sustain that stress.   i worry and wonder about our marriage throughout many points.  for example when our girls are going through things and we can’t find the time to discuss or determine how to move through these phases together.  whose anxiety or issues should be focused on?  as i have been reading aspergirls.  i identify with some of the things said.  though i know if i read any book i could self diagnosis myself with any and all of the diseases.  i recall when i was a bored teenage, the hospital had a phone system that allowed you to call and press one to learn more about diabetes, 2 to learn about heart disease, 3 to learn about mental health issues, 4 to learn about cancer………   fyi.  i called a lot.  these numbers don’t actually reflect what the real numbers corresponded with what disease.  i also learned a lot about the DSM.  once i let my license go and was too fearful to take my masters licensing exam.  i gave up diagnosing people.  doesn’t mean those thoughts aren’t in my head.  and i am triggered when others around me loosely diagnose others around them.  or when chris talks about people around them that may be high on illegal drugs or act weird due to other drugs or behaviors.   my hairs raise because i often think his issues may benefit from meds or counseling or both.  though he wants to ask if i am on my medicine.  and i want to go you should be evaluated for what meds or counseling could benefit you and our family.  as well as i can easily see behaviors and issues occurring in our children.   i am not eager to take them and get them diagnosis due to the stigma that goes along with diagnosis. whether they are mental health or physical health issues.  i have had several times in my life that i have questioned my health heart.  i have always minimized them as anxiety, heartburn or other stuff to breath and keep breathing and praying that i won’t have a heart attach.  the first really bad one was years ago when the children were still in diapers and chris was at man fest.  i literally was massaging the arteries in my neck to soothe and make sure blood was flowing the way it should. i made it through the weekend without calling 911.   renee recently said that we are all going to have heart attacks someday at our pace.  with all of my health issues over the years, i always dismissed any health issues of my family due to the fact that i was adopted.   i see issues in many of my family members.  knowing some of my mothers tells for when she is anxious.  knowing some of my fathers tells for his anxieties and issues.   with my suspicions, i now wonder if knowing some of my health history would bring me peace or more questions.  i know some who have done dna testing to help eliminate if they have certain genes that are predisposed to certain issues.  i have considered and wondered.  would i want to know that i could predisposed to old timers disease, cancer, heart issues, mental health issues.  so as i start the day, how will i choose to fill my time.  listening to an interesting program about female pilots of world war II.  The women wasps were serving their country and then disbanded and not acknowledge or helped after their service.   women have come a long way since the women of world war II.  at some point in my life, I lost my voice and became quite.  not standing up for my

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