Rain rain go away. 

This weekends rain reminds of me of living on the rivers. With alligators and adjudicated youth.  

If it were a bit warmer I would bundle up and get wet.  Walking in a warm rain can be very restorative for me.   Though cold rain makes something inside seem to fight against myself.  My bones my brain seem to need more to move and wake up.  

I feel certain that my 102 year old grandma is in better shape than I am.   Will my aches and pains motivate me to not stress and not struggle with so much.   

My goal is to find the joy in the pain.  Happy. Happy joy joy. 

Tough stuff 

I have worked in my family business  on and off all of my life.  The first time I answered a phone I was answering it as star shopper.   Family business has been a mixed blessing for me. 

It’s part of who I am and part of who our family is.  As I struggle through some of the down sides of our family business,  I am aware of how emerged it all is.

When I let my mind explore the changes I am considering, I feel strong grieve and fear.  It is hard for me to separate the pieces out. 

If I weren’t working in the family business, I worry about what my role will be in the family.  As well as in relationship of the business. 

Would I walk away completely.  Still be a consultant.   It’s hard to envision.  As well as I may miss aspects of it 

Visit with my neighbor allowed me to say many things that have been up in my head for years.  The resent shit in our business seems to have caused me to regress.  I have been working hard to not be in the middle of everything. In the middle of many areas in the business. Middle of my family relationships. Middle of my family business relationships and relationships to others. 

Wether it’s insurance, employees, computers, paperwork……… I am back in the middle.  

The shifts have brought all kinds of change and restructuring.   I know if we had sold the same kinds of things would be occurring.  However hard they might have been with new owners.  The emotional ups and downs would have felt less personal and had no history to regress to. 

For years we had been trying to get some family out of the business so that so many weren’t relying on it.  So now we have done the opposite and brought more family in.  

I have such mixed emotions about finding a way to stay in it or finding a way out.  

On one hand I’m excited about the possible possibilities and opportunities.  I am fearful that I will walk away and be jealous of the success that will come and not be able to have been a part of it.  And fear that if the success without my will shake my confidence more. 

Over this year I have been doing many small steps to try to gain the confidence I need to work in our family business.  

I have set June as a time to reflect and determine if I can take a break to get some perspective on all of the noise.  Hopefully I will get a small break for myself before that to help hear my own thoughts to sort out some of the noise, emotions.    

Today I will look for the Joy I can receive and the joy I can give. 

It’s all about the joy!